You should be ashamed. Have you ever been so in the mood for Christmas that you spontaneously ordered a Christmas tree out of boredom at work? Well that was me and I waited and I waited 2 full days, 48 full hours, 2880 full minutes outside the door just to welcome the spirit of Saint Nicholas into my apartment. The box has arrived. I was filled with festive joy. My excitement grew with every step. My eight years without a tree are finally over! or so I thought. I opened the box and found another box. A classic box within a box that enhances suspense and excitement. Relax. I did this to my nephew in '09, it worked like a charm. I opened the second box and in the semi-darkness the artificial evergreen branches looked so lifelike, stacked on top of each other, I thought I heard the chirping of a polyurethane bird that had lived in this artificial spruce tree for years. I removed and installed the base. Sturdy, yes, and I was beginning to imagine the tree standing tall (4 feet, to be precise, supposedly). Logically I then took out the bottom part, put it in the base, then the top part and put it on top. I then straightened the branches and to my horror the tree looked like 4 different brand pipe brushes held together with some bazooka gum. It looked pathetic. In a panicky, insane state, I started fluffing up the twigs, or rather I tried, because the "needle" part was only the last third of the thin twigs. I can see almost anywhere through the tree. I was expecting more parts in the box but didn't find it. It's reminiscent of the pathetic Christmas tree excuse from A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965). While A Charlie Brown Christmas has a 92% Rotten Tomatoes rating, this pile of plastic and incompetence looks 0% wood. In fact, in December, after all its leaves have peacefully fallen to the ground, a maple tree will look more like the Christmas tree we've come to know and love than the one I got. I would feel comfortable playing the ball through that tree; Gaps are so big. At one point the branches are so far apart that one could make a scene in a full size manger with all the lambs, camels and donkeys present that night. I'm the laughing stock of everyone I know. My Christmas spirit was irreparably destroyed. I want everyone's attention. Christmas is cancelled. If like me you want to be disappointed, buy this tree. If you want to be ashamed to tell your mother about your misfortune, buy this tree. If you glorify Krampus, buy this tree. But if you have decency or respect for the beautiful celebration of Christmas, DO NOT BUY THIS TREE.
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