
Disturbing incident near my new home when I was woken up by a violent slap on my wife's ass - which she knows she has waking up a version of me that does almost as hatefully as a collective white Twitter version in the face of a successful brown man - ended up chasing young gentlemen down the street trying to force my back door. While it sounds sexy, it's not a euphemism. They tried to open the back door of my home, allegedly for nefarious purposes. The police were able to catch up with them within a mile or so and the responding officer pointed out that I scared them so much they actually called first to protect themselves. As we exchanged incredibly inappropriate laughter over how these young men nearly got shot or, worse, got captured by a chubby, naked, angry, middle-aged man who's known for occasionally getting turned on by adrenaline (don't behave like WrestleMania). don't do it to you!), we also talked about the best security camera system, alarm system or pre-programmed 911 call system for "white men in distress". near white people in trouble. The previous owner of my house was a cable news fanatic/idiot who drilled multiple holes in the wall of his house to run cables because someone claimed the "government" was trying to prevent them from seeing the truth of their favorite news outlet because the "Government" which is either a perfect monologue or Melania Trump's 2020 reelection hoodie. I decided to use these holes to connect a Category 7 cable to the camera system because it seems Ring Wi-Fi also stands for Government. and "Automated means of watching you poop". I was able to easily thread this cable through the existing holes and hide it under my siding. They held up although I had to pull quite hard which I was told she said too. The images from the cameras are crystal clear, and since I have them on a closed network, Alexa no longer talks to me about the consistency of my bowel movements. a. Best of all, they are resistant to government chemtrails, tear gas clouds, and MSNBC. Hooray!

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