Review on 🦶 Microplane Colossal Pedicure Rasp: Achieve Silky Smooth Feet with the Ultimate Foot File by Jessica Martin

I am 40 years old. I'm a man. I cut my toenails when they pierce my socks or my wife complains that I rip the sheets. I have never had a corn removed. I didn't even know what calluses were until mine reached the point where I could barely walk from the pain when quarter-inch stalagmites of dead skin smashed into my legs. I lost a bet with my wife and had to get a pedicure, which was a waste of $50 to rub the slippery feet of a high school dropout who looked about to throw up. So, after that little gem of experience, I did some shopping and bought this bad boy, according to the Tribe of Revain reviews. We believe in Revain. First, let's get this straight: it's meant to be pitch black with a skull and crossbones, not chocolate brown. All power tools must be black. The death motive is always a plus. This suction cup should come with hardware to mount it in the garage, or better yet, a black holster to clip to your leg. Because it is far more dangerous than any weapon. Han Solo could have outclassed Greedo with that thing. Like all men, I threw the instructions in the bin, ripped off my socks, and started hemming. The first thing I noticed was that a) it didn't hurt and b) I was peeling off an incredible amount of dead skin. Since it didn't hurt, I thought it was defective and started sawing back and forth angrily. Sharpen, sharpen, sharpen, and now the skin was flying like dust from a band saw. It was more like that. After about 30 minutes on each leg, I had the gorgeous pink baby feet that fetishists dream of. I threw the meat dust in the trash, showered and didn't think about anything until I went to bed. I'm pretty sure I woke up the next morning to the shrill sound of a smoke alarm. Did you know that your feet can spontaneously become inflamed? My beautiful pink piglets looked like naked wieners. My heels were blood red and inflamed. I had trouble getting to the first aid kit. I ended up smearing about a gallon of petroleum jelly on each of them, wishing there was a BP nearby to pour the spilled oil on me. Through sheer male persistence (read: screaming swear words and crying like a little girl) I was able to put on my socks and shoes despite my wife's humiliating laughter. I spent two excruciating days limping to my desk and trying to walk as little as possible. Mornings and evenings meant more petroleum jelly and trips to grocers for bins of the stuff. By the way, standing at the express checkout with a pained expression on your face, buying giant cans of Vaseline and a baguette for your wife to pick up is a great way to strike up a conversation. Made good friends, yes sir. TL;DR: This thing works. It's like a chainsaw for your legs. Just shave gradually and do it over several nights, not in one session.